A lot has transpired in the last couple of months. Unfortunately I haven't really been in a writing mood. My past, present and future seem to have coalesced to spur on yet another monumental change in my life. Last year when I started this blog over at LiveJournal.com it was in part an attempt to become more honest with myself and others around me. Partly I figured that with my secrets spilled out in this medium I was insulating myself from self harm. I could not have been more off from target, instead I found myself in the middle of yet another lie.
I will not go into the details of the lie in this post because I simply do not have the energy or mental health to rehash recent events. Truth be told finding myself a failure once again, repeating the same personality traits, being self destructive again left me depressed even suicidal.
When I finally pulled myself out of the problem it seemed the only option. For my entire adult life and much of my childhood I have struggled with finding the truth. Some of it comes from being abused, from trying to find a kinder way to look at the world. A lot of it comes from the a deep dislike of who and what I am. No matter the reasons, my lies are harmful to myself and others. If I am unable to control my own actions then why not simply end my existence? Why put myself down the same path with the hopes that this time I will make a different decision, somehow transcend my mental illness, my insecurities, and emerge as a functioning adult? What else can I do to guard myself from me?
Should I tattoo 'Compulsive Liar' to my forehead like a scarlet letter. A warning to those around me that whether I like it or not if you know me I have lied to you, and I will lie to you again in the future. This is a drastic solution, yet it seems the alternative is an end I am not sure I want to embrace.
It seems the universe had other plans for me however. I met an individual whose parent suffers from the same illness I do with very similar symptoms. Growing up as I did with a parent who has a problem finding the truth is not easy. However I met someone who did, who isn't bi-polar. Hope sprang anew, not that I would one day become this well adjusted adult, because I gave up on that dream a long time ago. Let's face it I am never going to be normal. My hope springs from the ability to talk with someone other than my shrink, someone who has experience with a 'Compulsive Liar', who can see through my bullshit. Suddenly my desire for an end, or even a tattoo across my forehead started to lessen.
Instead I found myself having long conversations about my childhood, about the lies I created through the years and began to find truth. I still lie of course because that is as much a part of me as the color of my skin, or who I am attracted to. Now though I find myself speaking more truth than lie. I find myself telling strangers upon meeting them that I am a 'Compulsive Liar' to mixed results but freeing either way. I even found myself correcting lie's I have told.