Compulsive Liar
A lot has transpired in the last couple of months. Unfortunately I haven't really been in a writing mood. My past, present and future seem to have coalesced to spur on yet another monumental change in my life. Last year when I started this blog over at it was in part an attempt to become more honest with myself and others around me. Partly I figured that with my secrets spilled out in this medium I was insulating myself from self harm. I could not have been more off from target, instead I found myself in the middle of yet another lie.

I will not go into the details of the lie in this post because I simply do not have the energy or mental health to rehash recent events. Truth be told finding myself a failure once again, repeating the same personality traits, being self destructive again left me depressed even suicidal.

When I finally pulled myself out of the problem it seemed the only option. For my entire adult life and much of my childhood I have struggled with finding the truth. Some of it comes from being abused, from trying to find a kinder way to look at the world. A lot of it comes from the a deep dislike of who and what I am. No matter the reasons, my lies are harmful to myself and others. If I am unable to control my own actions then why not simply end my existence? Why put myself down the same path with the hopes that this time I will make a different decision, somehow transcend my mental illness, my insecurities, and emerge as a functioning adult? What else can I do to guard myself from me?

Should I tattoo 'Compulsive Liar' to my forehead like a scarlet letter. A warning to those around me that whether I like it or not if you know me I have lied to you, and I will lie to you again in the future. This is a drastic solution, yet it seems the alternative is an end I am not sure I want to embrace.

It seems the universe had other plans for me however. I met an individual whose parent suffers from the same illness I do with very similar symptoms. Growing up as I did with a parent who has a problem finding the truth is not easy. However I met someone who did, who isn't bi-polar. Hope sprang anew, not that I would one day become this well adjusted adult, because I gave up on that dream a long time ago. Let's face it I am never going to be normal. My hope springs from the ability to talk with someone other than my shrink, someone who has experience with a 'Compulsive Liar', who can see through my bullshit. Suddenly my desire for an end, or even a tattoo across my forehead started to lessen.

Instead I found myself having long conversations about my childhood, about the lies I created through the years and began to find truth. I still lie of course because that is as much a part of me as the color of my skin, or who I am attracted to. Now though I find myself speaking more truth than lie. I find myself telling strangers upon meeting them that I am a 'Compulsive Liar' to mixed results but freeing either way. I even found myself correcting lie's I have told.

Checking In
I obviously went off schedule, and not for a short time.  In fact it has been a while since I've written anything down in any form.  During my break it is safe to assume I was not the sanest individual out in the world.

In truth I quickly found myself making the same mistakes as before just with new people.  This time I was a writer in the need of a personal assistant.  How and why I find myself in these situations is still beyond my grasp.  Just that this is what happens when I go off my meds and off schedule.

Even though it has been a while I am still struggling to find words to put onto paper, so I'm going to leave it at this.

Managed Chaos
Here I sit after a long weekend.  Talk about a crazy long weekend.  As anyone can tell by my drop in posts I am going through some dynamic times.
What started as a flirtation with the Obama campaign has turned into a full fledged time drainer!  What was I thinking, committing myself to something so time intensive?  Oh well I am already in deep and hope to make a difference in any way I can. 
As a person with mental illness I understand what Obama has done for me.  I may not agree with most of his policies, but I do recognize that when it comes to healthcare, when it comes to equality in healthcare Obama is the man, and I strongly feel he needs four more years.

On a personal note my life still seems in what I'm calling 'managed chaos' mode.  I have brought on new groups of friends, have managed to sustain honest relationships.  I lost a very close friend, really a crutch, and have been a bit crippled.  His loss is still affecting me in surprising ways.  I have definitely shed an abundant amount of tears.

My schedule is still in ruins, hence my blogging being left behind.  I workout nor more than 4 days a week, when I can fit it in.  My job is suffering a bit because all this chaos, but my numbers are still good.  My volunteer time is suffering, they are asking for massive amounts of energy and to be honest I have found myself flagging. 

I am still on my meds, which is why I'm calling this 'managed chaos'.  I have partook in some extra fun above and beyond my usual weed consumption.  It is hard to balance my moods in this state without 'quick fixes'.

I am going to try blogging to my 'must do in a day list'.  Maybe I can check in once or twice a week.

The Police Come Knocking
It has been a while since I have written anything worth a nickel.  To say I went off the reservation, off schedule, is an understatement.  I haven't been to the gym in over a month!  I am still on my meds but am pretty sure the amount of recreational drugs I am on cancels out any good effect the drugs are supposed to have.  Seriously it does clearly say on the label, 'should not be consumed with alcohol'; or something like that.

Last night I found myself in a confrontation with the police.  Yes little ole me, and the big ole police!   I was hanging out with some friends, alcohol was consumed, in a sense I provoked the situation.  A police officer, without his emergency lights on, was making an illegal turn and I screamed out my apartment window "PIG".  I definitely meant it in a derogatory manner, however I did not expect the 'professional' police officer to react like a ten year old child. 

Push came to shove and before I knew it one officer turned into six, and they were knocking on my bi-polar asses door!  Knowing my rights I refused them entrance, and the officer's posse soon lost interest in harassing me.  However the original officer stuck around for another 90 minutes with his spot lined directed at my windows.  Long after I pulled my black out curtains the prick kept his light trained on my unit.

If one is so thin skinned then they have no business being in position of authority.  Yes my actions were questionable, however I made no overt physical threat, said no racial slurs other than "PIG" and stopped using that term as soon as I realized the officer was off his rocker.  I heard him tell his colleagues that I said racial slurs!?!  He was Asian and short like myself, obviously he has a complex I do not share. As a black gay American I have more respect for my fellow citizens than to resort to such childish tactics.  This officer was obviously abusing his authority and in general made the Seattle Police Department look all that more mediocre. 

I have been off schedule now for almost a month!  My meds seem to be doing their job just fine.   I am beginning to think this slump is not entirely related to my Bipolar.  Instead my lack of motivation links to my general inclination to procrastinate.  Often when I go a prolonged period off schedule I start to believe its no longer needed.

It's akin to my resistance towards medication.  I know my life is dramatically smoother with my schedule.  From my budget, to my work, which are two very important components to my overall success.

I am also experiencing a pretty severe episode of writers block.  Which makes everything from writing in this journal to simply sending emails exponentially more difficult.   

Missing the Sun
It's raining outside in Seattle.  Last Friday we had around 7 hours of sun and temperatures in the high fifties.   Oddly enough this tease has done worse for my mood than normal.

It should be said that I flourish in the Pacific Northwests climate.  I hardly mind the rain, and the snow here is minimal, just the way I like it. However every March/April I start getting annoyed with the rain.  Although in Seattle it does rain all year, these two months have a kind of rain that sometimes requires an umbrella.  I am a firm believer that true Seattleites don't use umbrellas; therefore I refuse to purchase one.  Truth be told I have purchased several of the darned things and promptly lose every one of them, no matter how much I spent. 

As you can tell by this post, my head is all over the place.  It's odd and a bit unusual for my cycles.  Work hasn't been great, I just got back to the gym two days ago after a prolonged absence, and could really, really use some sun!  It's not that I mind the rain all that much, it's that I miss the sun.  The weather report says I will see it again a week from tomorrow!  

I think it's time for a trip.
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Update 2
I still don't have my words, which is frustrating.  It is as if my brain is stuck between depression and manic with no middle ground.  I don't want to wake up in the morning, I have no desire to maintain my life, yet once I am up and going, I kick into hyper drive.

After years of being pretty decent with my finances, this month has thrown it all to hell.  There is absolutely nothing I can do about the carnage at the moment but recognize my failure.

I can't seem to cook at the moment either.  Oddly this is a symptom of both depression and manic.  The problem is now not only am I spending my precious resources on prepared food that is not good for me, I'm also not working out.

This not working out is a big deal for me.  If I am neither manic or depressed than I should be working out.  It's that simple, yet I can't get myself back into the groove.  

It has been a weird couple of days.

On the one hand I have made some new friends, something that I have been trying to accomplish for almost a year now!  This is amazing news of course.

On the other hand I have not worked out in over a week!  My schedule is non existent at the moment.  This of course bodes well to my well being and makes it hard to get anything important done.

I am also experiencing some writers block, or I like to call it word's block.  The words I want to write or say have left my head.

HBO's Game Change (Rant)
So even with my Hulu queue still above 50 I decided to watch Game Change on  The movie itself was stellar, the script engaging and the performances so nuanced that often I forgot these were actors and not the real participants. 

Now that is out of the way, I am appalled by the subject matter addressed in this film and therefore the book.  If Governor Palin had been black, a man, or even an ugly woman I doubt this story would have been written.  This movie is nothing but a blatant character assassination of a divisive political figure. 

Governor Palin not only graduated high school but college as well.  To expect me to believe she passed all her courses simply because she was attractive, is a stretch.  Granted the CBS interview was not her shining moment, but to make it out as her only real achievement on the campaign is wrong, in my opinion.

To trout out special needs kids as if that was her only fan base is disgusting.  At least the film manages to leave Bristol out of the mess mostly.  However I found the scene with her son in Iraq calling his Mother while the base is under fire to be one of the worst hollywood moments in the film. 

Lets face it, Senator McCain's campaign was a mess.  Senator McCain was in charge and he made the decision to sell out his Maverick appeal and pitch hard to the right.  Maybe the authors of this book and the producers should of focuses on Senator McCain's sell out process.  I am highly interested how someone who was once as principled as Senator McCain, becomes the man I see on my television screens today.  Now that's a story.

Instead Game Change tries to paint an unrealistic picture of a Woman who is emotionally weak, unstable, and stupid, playing on that old hollywood trick, if she's pretty she can't be smart.  If she is as dumb as they portray her than the real story is the US education system.  One bad interview, a few off days, does make an entire person.

In this characterization Governor Palin and I have found common ground.  Often people only choose to see my bad days, often people are scared of getting to know the whole me, instead they see, bipolar, or black, or my muscles.  Rarely does anyone take the time to get to know the whole picture.  Sure Palin must of had her bad days, sure she may have been lax in her understanding of what is a very complicated US Foreign relations theatre.  Yet I doubt that is the whole story, and I refuse to believe that was the whole campaign.   

The final scene with her wanting to speak.  I do believe that to be a true moment.  The woman had an entire Presidential Campaign thrust on her shoulders.  For months she drew the crowds, for months McCain stood aside fumbling the ball while she spoke to his constituents.  Let us be honest, no one in that room that night wanted to listed to Senator McCain, he was an aging, fumbling, flip flopper, desperate for one last gasp.  The crowd ended up cheering her name, enough said. 

I drank too much on Saturday, spent Sunday paying for Saturday, and Monday in a odd depressed funk.

Welcome to my bipolar at the moment.  Over indulging on alcohol with my medication at the levels they are is borderline suicidal.  Of course the real goal is to get off the meds altogether.   My not sane mind keeps telling my I am completely sane and would be better off without my meds.   The small sane part of me I've managed to carve out, at the moment is holding on.  Yet this isn't a battle I have managed to win ever.  

I was writing about this feeling this time last year, and have written in many journals about the absurdity of who I am.   Either I'm sick and need drugs, or I'm healthy and therefore can not blame my bad (manic) behavior on being sick.  

I actually tried that, pretending there was nothing odd about me.  That the occasional hallucination was indeed something that everyone experienced.  That loosening of my mind/voice filter was just me being more honest; and when that was bunked I simply said it was me being honest on a different level!  Hahaha, the joke in the end is always on my pathetic ass.

Truth is I am not a minor bipolar, when my manic passes through its superman phase, it turns me into something unrecognizable.  Without medicine to tamp it down, hallucinations become a daily visitor, in fact the world around me is molded to what my brain thinks it should be not the other way around.  This obviously causes problems, problems as an adult, I have do desire to return to.

I managed to take my medicine for 328 days last year!  That is a record since I started counting.  It is my goal to push that to a full year or at least 350.  Last year I was pretty good at hitting my goals.  I'm hoping to continue the pattern.  So far I'm down 7 days, my budget is in worse shape than it was last year at this time, so I'm in the hole.  It's gonna take some real work, austerity, and common sense to reach my goals. Common sense seems to always be the hardest for my bipolar brain to rap around.


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